Today we were at the ocean for hours....it was beautiful, breezy, cooler than the rest of the week. All I wanted to do was float, but there was seaweed. A lady waded in and asked me if there were any jellyfish. I told her no and then we talked for two hours while the seaweed wafted all around us. Amazing how you can find out so much about someone in a short period of time. Ken asked me if she was nice....she was. But she still wasn't a kindred. Kindreds are amazing and rare. I've had a few kindred friends over the years, and I knew it within moments of meeting them. My baby sister, before she even emerged from the womb. A friend in first grade. Susan in middle school, a smart, funny friend. Nerdy Gail in high school. Grace in college, friends in microseconds. Funny, irreverent, she will say anything. Stacie, whom I met when our husbands worked on their freezing, beat-up farmhouse. Kathy, across a table on a cruise. Our pastor's wife, Michelle. Instantaneous bond. Cool. God brings those people. There's no explaining it.
My big toe and third toe on my right foot both have a fungus. The doctor instructed me to put cream on it at night, then sand them down in the morning and apply anti-fungus drops to them. We've been in the ocean all week and now those two toes are turning red. My big toe is hurting. This is scaring me. I have diabetes and I'm eating the house down. Is my toe going to fall off? My urine smells like the cat's been in the bathroom before me. That can't be good. Meanwhile, I'm reading this book about food addiction and I kind-of threw it down a couple of days ago, in disgust.
Why do I have to deny myself anything? Why can't I have anything I want? Why me? Why is my body betraying me?
Why am I a total and depraved brat?
I'm a Christian, aren't I? I'm having doubts. I know the Lord, have talked to him since I was a young child. But I'm acting like my body belongs to me. How dare He or anyone tell me I can't have something? Why is it that I am not allowed to just eat and not feel the effects? I have to eat. Lord have mercy. How many times have I prayed? How many times have I felt the tug of the Holy Spirit before diving into a doughnut or brownie...and then ignored it. I am free. I am not bound by the law. I am covered. Dear Jesus. How many times will you forgive me? How many times will I ignore the little voice in my head? How many times will I dive again, deep into the ocean of denial? My poor family, with me over and over again saying that I am going to do right. Promises broken repeatedly. One week, I'm eating right. Avoiding sugar. Standing in victory. The next week, I'm throwing down ice cream and pizza. The objects are not essentially evil, but my abuse of this body is, when I know that it does nothing good for me at all. I'm lazy and don't want to stop, to plan, to restrain myself. I work my butt off, then laze the rest of my life away when the juice runs out. So tonight I sit here on vacation, in the most beautiful of places, full of food and full of crap. My toe is red and hurting. My kidneys are suffering. Yet I press on with my plans to keep on keeping on. The things that I need to do, I don't do. I fail, I get up, I try for a minute then fall down again. Clarity. Then fog. God.....
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