Where did two years go? And if I read my journals, way back to when my firstborn greeted the world in 1984, I had the same concerns. Even my post from two years ago says the basic same things. The pain of this world, the flesh and the devil. Mostly the flesh and its insatiable need to be satiated. And it never is. Here, all these years later, wrestling with the same demons and no better off, rather, I'm worse off. Because years and more fudgy cake make for a larger mountain to traverse. With the ravages of time, my body has begun to quake and labor under the burden. I've lived so much, ate and drank (too much KoolAid and Diet Coke for sure), thrown caution to the wind, not listened when the Holy Spirit whispered in my ear.
There can be so much condemnation in my own heart, knowing that I am not caring well for the temple of the Holy Spirit. It's an awful thing, waking up every morning to the lard that is sitting on my stomach. I don't care what anybody says, self esteem and all that, it's still lard and I don't like it. And people talking about loving yourself, etc. Well, I love myself too much. And I hurt myself, because I'm a brat and I want what I want, without consequences. There's far too many lies about this subject. We're brats. We don't have low self-esteem. We love our pacifiers and how dare you take them away?
Bright lines. Been hearing about that too. That's about being black-and-white about my eating. Treating myself like an addict. No sugar. No sweeteners. No flour (of ANY kind). And this is not a temporary diet or program. It needs to be for the rest of my life. No cheating, no passing go. Accepting it and embracing it. Lord have mercy. One week in and I'm scraping at the walls. I've lost 8 pounds but that demon that's chained in the cave would love to eat the house down. It's not about volume, so much, as it is having all my choice sweets and carbs, without consequence.
But filling myself up with that stuff every day also leaves me with chest pain, pain running down my neck and left arm, and guilt every night and every morning. You would think that would be plenty of incentive, but that's just the nature of addiction. This week has left me extremely sharp because the sugars are clearing out of my brain. I have been able to say "no" to several different people and situations with power. I have been able to enunciate things that needed to be said. I have asked forgiveness for places in myself that I haven't visited in years. I feel hopeful, that maybe I can get something done. My house is neat and tidy, the laundry is caught up (not the ironing, but that's not my job. Just say no!). The rings on the counter have been wiped off. I can't remember when that's stayed that way for more than a day or two, but it's been great for over a week. Miraculous. I pray for the steady, consistent, boring habits that will carry me through what is difficult. I always chafe against those, but it's time to put on my big girl panties and plod. I've been doing worse than plodding anyway because of my self-induced physical encumbrances, so why not do it with a plan?
Once again throwing myself at the foot of the cross, face down and at His mercy. That is where we find grace. That is where we find the means to do what we ought, because where I am weak and completely unable, He is strong.
